Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Had an epiphany today.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself