Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Duck typos.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
it must be school picture day
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort