Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.