Not helping
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.