Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
You Might Also Like
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.