Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
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Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
#catsoftwitter
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.