Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
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me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”