Not messing around
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Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.