Not messing around
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interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.