Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Life is a suicide mission.
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
It’s actually Dr. whatever
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.