Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
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I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
What?
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
i prefer mine room temperature.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?