Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
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When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
cat vs inanimate object