Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho