Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

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I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.


Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?

It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.


This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.


People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.


My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”


No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.


Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.


Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.


Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.


Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”