Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.