Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*