Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.