Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Not today. 😅
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.