@mrtruthandsoul I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
@maebemarbles Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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@mrtruthandsoul 
@dafloydsta [job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
@TheRolo Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
@MelissaOng69420 no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
@Cpin42 Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
@RobertManchild [company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
@MoodyMcCarthy I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
@gitson_shiggles If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
@rn_murse shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
@LizerReal “i am a sweet baby”
