Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..