Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
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When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’