Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.