[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.