Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
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only writing recipes in wordart from now on
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”