Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.