Not recommended for beginners.
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
my mind
You just read my mind
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Basically.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
ready to be harvested
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.