Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
You Might Also Like
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Feel. He’s so soft.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
as is their right
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown