Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season