@davidschneider

Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.

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@PaigeKellerman

90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.

@olivebeerthanks

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

@Jake_Vig

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

@sofarrsogud

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@TragicAllyHere

People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!

@VerbsRProudest

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@erikbransteen

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

@BrettDruck

When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.