Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Something Saturday.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”