Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
When your man makes a valid point
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
drew a comic about my origin story
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs