@rachelichtman

Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.

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@benmathaicomedy

‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.

@NottaBigDeal

I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.

@designersays

If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.

@abhorrent_wife

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

@huge_mclarge

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

@WetzelGeek

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

@samalmightysam

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

@osigat

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.