@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

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@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@SCBamaMan

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

@cerebralbeef

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

@briangaar

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

@WilliamAder

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

@babyIulu

succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”

@joshandbeyond

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.