Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
You Might Also Like
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
handsome & gretel
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!