Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
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ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party