Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
pep talk
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.