Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
The options really are this bad
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care