Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.