Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.