Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
You Might Also Like
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
we’re dead?
