Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
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A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
RT if you could go either way.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Great acting.. 😂
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit