Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Fights fire with marshmallows
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words