Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
#StillHurts
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.