Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
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me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming