Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
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Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
they finally got him. they got macavity
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean