@mompsychologist 5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
@RealPrincessKim Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
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@mompsychologist 
@DaddyJew Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
@kevinseccia When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
@OrdinaryAlso being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
@Jared_VanL The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
@ShaunRightNow My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
@panmidwest ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
@Pulse_NYC So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
@prawn_meat your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
@lock_robster_ For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31