Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
You Might Also Like
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.