Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
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It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.