Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
My wedding will be open casket.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!