Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

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[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?


Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful


Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games


Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”


ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR


Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.


Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?


Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.


Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.


I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.