Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.