Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
🤣😂🤣
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Rambo Rambow
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.