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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Not today, today.
Not today.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
I like crazy people until they notice me
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.