Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
dutch so unserious
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
🤭😂
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls