not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
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Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Netflix and you sit over there.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Super Hand Dog Face
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.