@Brianhopecomedy My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
@robdelaney Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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@Brianhopecomedy 
@heatherjs If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
@Miltgen *Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
@Marlebean Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
@TravLeBlanc You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
@PJTLynch The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
@weinerdog4life A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
@NickSchug Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
@SkinnerSteven JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
@MicheleAKALips When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.