@robdelaney

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

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@Brianhopecomedy

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

@heatherjs

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

@Miltgen

*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*

@Marlebean

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

@PJTLynch

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

@weinerdog4life

A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds

@NickSchug

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

@MicheleAKALips

When life hands you 3 kids…..

You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.