Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”