Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
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ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.